Been crazy busy but popping in to write about something that's been bothering me a lot. I tend to do a lot of favors for people, be it family members or friends. It's who I am. In general people know me as someone they can rely on to say yes if they need something and I'm happy that B"H I usually have the ability to jump in and help, be it with housework, schoolwork, or anything else.
But I happen to keep a pretty busy schedule of my own. I try not to complain a whole lot so people tend not to realize how much stress I'm under between grad school, dating, and family life... and sometimes they ask me for favors as if I have nothing else going on. I agree to the favor but they want it done now. If it happens to be a moment that I stopped to catch my breath from my own life- they still want their favor from me immediately and don't seem to understand the answer of "Yes, in a few". I usually try to accommodate them but sometimes as much as I want to help I just want a few minutes/hours/days to relax before I plunge into their request. Sometimes I prefer to put other favors/obligations before their favor, for whatever reason or circumstance that isn't necessarily their business. Even though I wholly acquiesce to their favor, suddenly I am evil for not catering to them immediately. I do not understand this entitlement and it bugs me tremendously. I should be entitled to have some say in how I choose to carry out their request.
For instance, a friend from undergrad is currently applying to medical school and wants me to proofread his essay. That's a big task and I already reconstructed a few other scholarship essays of his this year, one of which he won an award for. I'm happy for him. But when he sends me an essay during my finals week to proofread and then continuously reminds me that he needs me... I tell him I will look at it when finals are over. However, when finals are over- I need some time to myself before I get back to work. And on top of that, a job that was supposed to be a proofing for grammar and style has become a content face lift so that it's a good medical school essay. This upsets me. It's my vacation which is ending on Monday. My brain was squeezed dry for my own statement of purpose which took hours to think up and write that got me into a doctoral program. Now I have the responsibility to come up with another brainchild- one that gets him into medical school? This is a favor gone too far. I kindly told him that this is not my job. I can't. Perhaps some of you can relate to the grueling year of grad school applications. It's intense, but then you are able to push past and move on (and hopefully get accepted somewhere) without looking back. That was a very difficult stage in life but everyone deals with it and now it is your turn. I would barely have the strength to help my own brother and now I'm being asked for a thankless favor, on his own terms since admissions already opened and he's getting antsy about my slow pace of revisions. At the same time, I have a life. I want to help him but this time constraint is really annoying me. I don't want to say no but the terms of agreement here are way too strict for my benevolent side.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Friday, June 8, 2012
Your Wedding is Auspicious
This thought has occurred to me several times, and maybe some of you ladies can relate.
Say you're dating someone who you have hopes of going further with, and they mention that they have a wedding the following night. After the initial fomo I tend to think it auspicious. At some point throughout the wedding, your date is bound to think about themselves in their friend's place- with you at their side. My theory is that if he likes this picture in his head, marriage will be closer to the forefront of his mind than it was before, and that's in your favor.
I generally cry by chuppahs anyway, thinking about my childhood with the kallah/chosson (especially if they dealt with hardship along the way) and how far they've come + the future that lies ahead of them now- but when I'm dating someone and go to a wedding I'm that much more thoughtful. Weddings are moving and it's normal to become wistful. If we didn't have the social reinforcement of big, simcha-filled weddings, I think fewer people would want to get married so quickly. I don't mean this in a bad way because in the end they are married and building Jewish homes (ignorance is bliss in that regard), but the big beautiful weddings that we experience so regularly B"H definitely keeps it on people's minds as something of an incentive.
Sometimes one can get emotional during a wedding and caught up in the awesome dancing and hairstyles instead of focusing on graduating to the next stage in life. As the famous saying goes, נשים דעתם קלות. There's a play on words that our teachers in high school warned us about (switch the ק to a כ): All that's on a woman's mind is to become a kallah. From very young we dream of our wedding day, wedding dress and all the festivities that an engagement brings, which takes our attention away from the fact that once sheva brachos is over you're married to the person and you have to get along. You're not a sparkling kallah anymore, but an everyday wife and mother. It's so easy to take the plunge of marriage to someone when clouded by the allure of a vort and engagement ring impending. I've seen it happen so many times, especially in those circles where the chosson and kallah date once or twice and don't see each other as much during the engagement. Some of my friends have these minhagim and it seemed like they were being "bribed" by their mothers and mother in laws with all the robe and shaitel shopping during the engagement, not to mention tons of jewelry, while barely seeing their chossons. Yet they were (kept) happy. It could be that this is only my non-chassidish biased observation of their courtships and if I was brought up this way I wouldn't even think to feel disappointed about not seeing my chosson, but I definitely think that all the apartment shopping would serve to distract me away from the purpose of marriage. Anyway both women and men can fall prey to this, so we all can benefit from being mindful.
Going to a friend's wedding naturally stirs up emotions in you to want to get married. Fun times of music and dancing aside- even the love and admiration that you see between the chosson and kallah causes a productive sort of envy. It makes you want to reach that stage too, and maybe even settle down with Mr./Mrs. Good Enough to achieve those ends. Setting the stage and priming someone for marriage is a healthy facilitation, assuming the person is ready to get married and for mostly all the right reasons.
Sometimes men really need every push they can get to settle down with someone, so I think that it's a lucky occurrence if your wedding coincides with my relationship. You may not have realized it, but your wedding was a good influence and I appreciate it.
---------
The other side of me says that men are nowhere nearly as deep-thinking as I'd like, so a wedding might just be a passive experience through their thick heads (sorry boys, you've let me down... some of you). Do you think there is a difference in the emotions running through a single girl versus single guy at their friend's wedding?
Say you're dating someone who you have hopes of going further with, and they mention that they have a wedding the following night. After the initial fomo I tend to think it auspicious. At some point throughout the wedding, your date is bound to think about themselves in their friend's place- with you at their side. My theory is that if he likes this picture in his head, marriage will be closer to the forefront of his mind than it was before, and that's in your favor.
I generally cry by chuppahs anyway, thinking about my childhood with the kallah/chosson (especially if they dealt with hardship along the way) and how far they've come + the future that lies ahead of them now- but when I'm dating someone and go to a wedding I'm that much more thoughtful. Weddings are moving and it's normal to become wistful. If we didn't have the social reinforcement of big, simcha-filled weddings, I think fewer people would want to get married so quickly. I don't mean this in a bad way because in the end they are married and building Jewish homes (ignorance is bliss in that regard), but the big beautiful weddings that we experience so regularly B"H definitely keeps it on people's minds as something of an incentive.
Sometimes one can get emotional during a wedding and caught up in the awesome dancing and hairstyles instead of focusing on graduating to the next stage in life. As the famous saying goes, נשים דעתם קלות. There's a play on words that our teachers in high school warned us about (switch the ק to a כ): All that's on a woman's mind is to become a kallah. From very young we dream of our wedding day, wedding dress and all the festivities that an engagement brings, which takes our attention away from the fact that once sheva brachos is over you're married to the person and you have to get along. You're not a sparkling kallah anymore, but an everyday wife and mother. It's so easy to take the plunge of marriage to someone when clouded by the allure of a vort and engagement ring impending. I've seen it happen so many times, especially in those circles where the chosson and kallah date once or twice and don't see each other as much during the engagement. Some of my friends have these minhagim and it seemed like they were being "bribed" by their mothers and mother in laws with all the robe and shaitel shopping during the engagement, not to mention tons of jewelry, while barely seeing their chossons. Yet they were (kept) happy. It could be that this is only my non-chassidish biased observation of their courtships and if I was brought up this way I wouldn't even think to feel disappointed about not seeing my chosson, but I definitely think that all the apartment shopping would serve to distract me away from the purpose of marriage. Anyway both women and men can fall prey to this, so we all can benefit from being mindful.
Going to a friend's wedding naturally stirs up emotions in you to want to get married. Fun times of music and dancing aside- even the love and admiration that you see between the chosson and kallah causes a productive sort of envy. It makes you want to reach that stage too, and maybe even settle down with Mr./Mrs. Good Enough to achieve those ends. Setting the stage and priming someone for marriage is a healthy facilitation, assuming the person is ready to get married and for mostly all the right reasons.
Sometimes men really need every push they can get to settle down with someone, so I think that it's a lucky occurrence if your wedding coincides with my relationship. You may not have realized it, but your wedding was a good influence and I appreciate it.
---------
The other side of me says that men are nowhere nearly as deep-thinking as I'd like, so a wedding might just be a passive experience through their thick heads (sorry boys, you've let me down... some of you). Do you think there is a difference in the emotions running through a single girl versus single guy at their friend's wedding?
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
No Appetite for The Hunger Games
I finally read the Hunger Games (Book 1) after a long semester in which the borrowed book sat under a pile of audiology textbooks. I'm generally a slow reader but everyone promised me that I wouldn't be able to put this book down. The hype on the web and among my friends was pretty high. Ok, you got me, I'm excited.
Except I finished the book, disappointed. I used to be a huge Harry Potter fan so I can appreciate a good fantasy. In fact, all the hype made me feel like this was going to be a nouveau-Harry Potter and I liked that idea.
But it didn't hold a candle to Harry Potter... and that is only the wisps of the shadow of Harry Potter that used to be my extreme fandom. Admittedly the movie does look better, so perhaps I will favor this series more once I watch it, but in the meantime here is my review.
Katniss (some of the name etymology is awesome, others are just peculiar) irritates me. I love how she is the protector of her sister and her family, because I can relate to those feelings (albeit on a much less desperate level). However the way she deals with Peeta frustrated me. He is so sweet and kind to her. How does she not realize how much he loves her? Perhaps it was the competition that made her paranoid suspecting his motives, but I think it was more a matter of her being a girl oblivious to her worth and good attributes. I suppose she is 16 so there's room for immaturity, but I see this theme on a regular basis. Amazing, pretty girls befriend guys, not realizing what they're doing to them, and when you suggest that the guy likes them they completely deny the possibility. It doesn't even dawn on them that they might be leading the male friend on. These girls need to have more self-esteem and realize that with their attributes they are desirable! It's better to anticipate this and modify the "friendship" accordingly than to wait to be surprised and uncomfortable when the guy you thought was just your friend actually wants more than that. You'll have missed the signs all along. Just stop. Acknowledge your strengths, Be careful and Consider being more guarded around guys you don't want falling for you. You definitely cannot blame a guy for liking you (if anything I blame the guys for not liking you! Yes, I'm that kind of friend).
Along the same lines of the Katniss-Peeta relationship... it was not a fulfilling romance. That was a disappointment. I have no interest in 50 Shades of Grey style but a bit more development would have been nice. Again, I keep having to remind myself that they're only 16...
Which brings me back to the question of why 20-something year olds are so enamored with this series? The mindset is not really on our level. Most of what I read involves Katniss being hungry, Katniss on the verge of dying of thirst, Katniss hunting for food and Katniss walking to/along the stream. Katniss tending to her wounds. A few pages about a cave. It seemed like too much of the same to me.
A few people have tried telling me about the symbolism and psychology behind the Hunger Games, that the games show us how the worst sides of people really shine through when they are pushed to the extreme. However, from the start the Districts were depicted as primitive. The Hunger Games comes across as a terrible punishment yes, but it did not feel like the behavior required from the tributes was so far from their ordinary lifestyles. Remember, I am talking from a perspective of having read the book alone. Most people watch the movie and then read the book with lots of imagery processing the book from top-down. I watched the trailer on youtube last night and even the scene with Katniss stepping up for Prim made me far more emotional than the book did. The book was way too cold.
There were a few constructs in this fantasy that I enjoyed a lot, such as the Tracker Jackers, the Mockingjay and my favorite- the silver parachutes. The cornucopia overflowing with supplies was a cool idea to picture. I liked how Rue's death was played out, with the flowers in her hair. I love how Katniss manages to read Haymitch's mind. The canons and pictures of the dead tributes in the sky was also an interesting ritual, but it reminds me of the Death Eaters from Harry Potter and their emblem in the sky. In fact, the whole forest/cornucopia scenario with magical qualities to manipulate the participants reminds me of the Triwizard Tournament in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.
All in all... maybe it was the expectations that I set too high, maybe it was the stark contrast to the last book I read (Mean Little Deaf Queer, A Memoir by Terry Galloway), or maybe I've simply outgrown this genre, but books like these make me wonder why some series make it to the big screen and others do not. It seems so arbitrary. There's other fantasy/sci-fi out there that is just as good if not better, but for some reason it does not end up becoming a million-dollar franchise.
I know I'm the minority on this one, so what did you think of the Hunger Games? All opinions are welcome, but please no spoilers for the movie yet!
Except I finished the book, disappointed. I used to be a huge Harry Potter fan so I can appreciate a good fantasy. In fact, all the hype made me feel like this was going to be a nouveau-Harry Potter and I liked that idea.
But it didn't hold a candle to Harry Potter... and that is only the wisps of the shadow of Harry Potter that used to be my extreme fandom. Admittedly the movie does look better, so perhaps I will favor this series more once I watch it, but in the meantime here is my review.
Katniss (some of the name etymology is awesome, others are just peculiar) irritates me. I love how she is the protector of her sister and her family, because I can relate to those feelings (albeit on a much less desperate level). However the way she deals with Peeta frustrated me. He is so sweet and kind to her. How does she not realize how much he loves her? Perhaps it was the competition that made her paranoid suspecting his motives, but I think it was more a matter of her being a girl oblivious to her worth and good attributes. I suppose she is 16 so there's room for immaturity, but I see this theme on a regular basis. Amazing, pretty girls befriend guys, not realizing what they're doing to them, and when you suggest that the guy likes them they completely deny the possibility. It doesn't even dawn on them that they might be leading the male friend on. These girls need to have more self-esteem and realize that with their attributes they are desirable! It's better to anticipate this and modify the "friendship" accordingly than to wait to be surprised and uncomfortable when the guy you thought was just your friend actually wants more than that. You'll have missed the signs all along. Just stop. Acknowledge your strengths, Be careful and Consider being more guarded around guys you don't want falling for you. You definitely cannot blame a guy for liking you (if anything I blame the guys for not liking you! Yes, I'm that kind of friend).
Along the same lines of the Katniss-Peeta relationship... it was not a fulfilling romance. That was a disappointment. I have no interest in 50 Shades of Grey style but a bit more development would have been nice. Again, I keep having to remind myself that they're only 16...
Which brings me back to the question of why 20-something year olds are so enamored with this series? The mindset is not really on our level. Most of what I read involves Katniss being hungry, Katniss on the verge of dying of thirst, Katniss hunting for food and Katniss walking to/along the stream. Katniss tending to her wounds. A few pages about a cave. It seemed like too much of the same to me.
A few people have tried telling me about the symbolism and psychology behind the Hunger Games, that the games show us how the worst sides of people really shine through when they are pushed to the extreme. However, from the start the Districts were depicted as primitive. The Hunger Games comes across as a terrible punishment yes, but it did not feel like the behavior required from the tributes was so far from their ordinary lifestyles. Remember, I am talking from a perspective of having read the book alone. Most people watch the movie and then read the book with lots of imagery processing the book from top-down. I watched the trailer on youtube last night and even the scene with Katniss stepping up for Prim made me far more emotional than the book did. The book was way too cold.
There were a few constructs in this fantasy that I enjoyed a lot, such as the Tracker Jackers, the Mockingjay and my favorite- the silver parachutes. The cornucopia overflowing with supplies was a cool idea to picture. I liked how Rue's death was played out, with the flowers in her hair. I love how Katniss manages to read Haymitch's mind. The canons and pictures of the dead tributes in the sky was also an interesting ritual, but it reminds me of the Death Eaters from Harry Potter and their emblem in the sky. In fact, the whole forest/cornucopia scenario with magical qualities to manipulate the participants reminds me of the Triwizard Tournament in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.
All in all... maybe it was the expectations that I set too high, maybe it was the stark contrast to the last book I read (Mean Little Deaf Queer, A Memoir by Terry Galloway), or maybe I've simply outgrown this genre, but books like these make me wonder why some series make it to the big screen and others do not. It seems so arbitrary. There's other fantasy/sci-fi out there that is just as good if not better, but for some reason it does not end up becoming a million-dollar franchise.
I know I'm the minority on this one, so what did you think of the Hunger Games? All opinions are welcome, but please no spoilers for the movie yet!
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